t minus 105 days.

I determined this weekend that I'll be leaving around the 7th of July... I can't go before 4th of July, which is a HUGE deal in our family. I would be murdered since this is probably my last chance to participate for a long time. And I'll take B this year and we'll play badminton and blow stuff up and drink beer. The menfolk will smoke cigars. I'll probably cry because here's this big family thing I'm giving up to go save the world.

Easter on Sunday was especially poignant since it's the last big holiday before I'm off, and we talked about how I probably wasn't going to be coming home for TDay 2008. I also realized how much I want B and my parents to develop a closer relationship so they are in contact while they are in Portland and I am not. I hadn't seen my godparents for a while. When they finally arrived, my two sets of parents toasted my success with the champagne K and L brought. I have let that relationship slide a little bit, due to being busy, illness and my developing relationship with B. I realized that while I'm still here in town, I need to take advantage of the time I have with the friends that have "rooms in my heart", as Poe says.

I see more and more what is and isn't important in terms of friendships and that I'm probably not going to be developing any closer relationships (with people in Portland) from here on out. That's a relief, to be frank. I've always been really hopeful about trying to see the spark of close friendship in most of the people I met, and being somewhat disappointed (I know irrationally) when it didn't work out that way. That I no longer have that hope frees up a lot of emotional space to make things right with the people I count as friends before I move 3000 miles away and can't call this city my home. Then again, I guess it'll always be "home", except now I'm making a home out of choice and not inertia, like I did after Mount Holyoke. The past three years that I've spent here have been really important in my personal, professional, social and intellectual growth, but it's time to be repotted, so to speak.

I made a list last spring of things that I wanted to do before I left Portland for Africa. A part of me wants to make a new list, and a part of me is beginning to see Portland through rose-colored glasses already.