In which your narrator likens her emotional state to Keynesian economic theory.

You may cite this post as the final stake in the coffin of the argument that I am not a dork.

I am a dork. I embrace it.

So in Macroeconomics, we are learning about Keynesian economic cycles. Keynes' main insight to economics was his modeling (for was it was worth) of short run economic cycles, when prices and wages are "sticky", i.e. they cannot immediately change to reflect other changes in economic variables. A perfect example of this is right now: we are all facing rising costs of fuel but our wages (or student loan money, in my case) remain the same because your employment contract says that you will be paid $X per month this year, and any opportunity for your wage to increase is going to happen next year at your performance review. So now, because gas etc. is more expensive, you have less to spend on other goods, and your total demand for goods and services goes down. In the long run, of course, this all adjusts and the real value of your wage adjusts so you have the same standard of living that you had before. But the adjustment period is not fun.

Keynes also wrote about the multiplier effect. Increased spending, whether by government or the private sector, has a larger effect on income of the entire economy. Say, hypothetically speaking, the government needs to pay for a huge wars in the Middle East and South Asia, and to do this, the government needs to purchase $100 million of fighter jets. That $100 million of expenditure becomes income to the fighter jet factory, which is spent by the employees of that company who received it as wages. Then the fighter jet employees all need to buy supplies for a baby shower in November, so they spend most of that income (they do save a little, the ratio between what they save and what they spend is called the marginal propensity to consume) at Babies R Us for some onesies and those giant strollers that get in my way on the Metro. Then the Babies R Us employees take that income and spend most of it at Costco on beer and floaty things to go floating down the Sandy... etc.

I think you get the point. If an economy has a high propensity to consume (which, you might guess, the American economy does), then this multipler effect is quite large and
when you are spending more, it's great! Income leads to more income and we're all better off, and quite rapidly. The flipside, of course, is that when you are on a downward trajectory (say a spike in the price of oil and food, for example, hypothetically speaking) the effects of reduced spending are spread all that much more quickly.

Why am I talking about this? These classes that I'm taking are really difficult because I am coming face to face with one of my intellectual weaknesses: lack of creativity when it comes to mathmatical analysis. If you can show me step-by-step how to do something, I'm all over it. But when I need to slightly tweak that and apply that in a different way, it's very difficult for me to do. I have never really be trained on how to do that. Conceptually, economics is intuitive for me, and it's pretty easy for me to manipulate graphs and understand why doing A would result in outcome B. Friday I was really struggling even to hold it together, which was troubling to experience, until I realized that it was something I just needed to own and let myself feel and get through because it happens every month and I must accept it.

What helped me was making an analogy in my head that I was experiencing high marginal propensity to feel due to hormonal fluctuations, if you know what I mean. Not only was I on the brink of tears in class on Friday due to frustration, I was also almost in tears on my walk to school yesterday because I was so happy when I think about all the friends I have and how I get to see my amazing boyfriend next week, etc. It's frustrating because I am such a rational person most of the time, and then these moments of wild emotion spring on me which are weird and confusing until I realize that it's manifestation of hormonal shifts that I really have no control over. I must feel them--not keep them inside--and move on.

Other than my high MPF causing emotional volatility, things are good. Brandon's coming to visit this week, which I am so excited for I could pee. This week is also the final week of class, which will be such a relief. What I've heard from alums is that Preterm is the worst it ever gets. Thank god. Now to take a short nap and get to work on macro.

And here we are.

I was all set to write a reflective post, as I do every birthday, and somehow the day got away from me. (I think a giant, ride-on turtle had something to do with it.) I'm 25 now, which I kept saying the whole week made me feel really old, but now that I'm in unfamiliar surroundings, I just feel young, inexperienced and naive again. (Was I ever truly naive? I can hardly use that word to describe me.) Or maybe it's merely the stress of not knowing exactly where I am at every moment. I can navigate DC enough to get by, for now. I get the grid, I know my compass directions, but I'm still learning whether I'm going to Branch Ave or Greenbelt when I go home on the green line. In Portland, I never ever for a single moment felt lost. Perhaps that's the listlessness, the emotional detachment that I really started feeling in June--an anticipation of not knowing. I thought I had grown to be more okay with not knowing, and I think on the whole I am. I just also had a lot of other stuff to deal with: packing up my things, leaving my family, friends, and boyfriend, leaving a city that I know like the back of my hand, feeling a bit intimidated by this whole grad school thing.

Note: DC trannies seem to be much more nonchalant about their tranniness.

I'd tried to find roommates but my communications with them have turned out to be fruitless. It looks like I'll be on my own for a studio, and I'm fine with that. The happy thing about inflated DC rents (relative to PDX) is that you do, to some extent, get what you pay for. IHoMGS had no dishwasher, no AC, no doorman, no pool, no parking, no fitness center, etc. My studio near Dupont Circle will probably have all these things. I'm not sure that's worth an extra $400-500 but it does make up for some of the price.

Note: the CVS in Dupont Circle smells strongly of formaldehyde.

I've been fairly indecisive in my search for housing this week. Two potential roommates didn't work out so I'd been hamstrung by figuring that out. I've mostly spent my time exploring the city--I walked 11.5 miles on Tuesday, causing three gigantic blisters on my feet and throwing me into recovery mode for the past few days. I think my muscles are no longer sore today, which is nice. I have been getting other necessities completed like my homework for my principles class, setting up a bank account, getting my IDA forms to begin the disbursal process, navigating the financial aid system, swimming in Jane's pool (which is a necessity given the humidity), planning my class schedule, etc. It would appear that I won't have class on Mondays. Fairly exciting. There's a class called Behavioral Sociology in Sectarian and International Conflict that I'm very excited to take.

Note: one of SAIS's neighbors is the Embassy of Uzbekistan.

When you are quitting smoking, experts recommend that you use moving to rid yourself of the habit because all your cues for habitual behavior are gone. I see myself in a somewhat similar light, though of course I have no tobacco habit to kick. I feel more aware of certain patterns of behavior and seem to be having more control over changing the ones I don't like. I'm drinking lots more water. I'm making healthier food choices. Jane might disagree, but I feel a little neater than was my standard in Portland. I hope it lasts. I think it will. In a certain sense, I think I will be reborn here, in that I have a better shot at improving myself in the ways that have been niggling minor issues that take up entirely too much of my emotional space.

t minus 105 days.

I determined this weekend that I'll be leaving around the 7th of July... I can't go before 4th of July, which is a HUGE deal in our family. I would be murdered since this is probably my last chance to participate for a long time. And I'll take B this year and we'll play badminton and blow stuff up and drink beer. The menfolk will smoke cigars. I'll probably cry because here's this big family thing I'm giving up to go save the world.

Easter on Sunday was especially poignant since it's the last big holiday before I'm off, and we talked about how I probably wasn't going to be coming home for TDay 2008. I also realized how much I want B and my parents to develop a closer relationship so they are in contact while they are in Portland and I am not. I hadn't seen my godparents for a while. When they finally arrived, my two sets of parents toasted my success with the champagne K and L brought. I have let that relationship slide a little bit, due to being busy, illness and my developing relationship with B. I realized that while I'm still here in town, I need to take advantage of the time I have with the friends that have "rooms in my heart", as Poe says.

I see more and more what is and isn't important in terms of friendships and that I'm probably not going to be developing any closer relationships (with people in Portland) from here on out. That's a relief, to be frank. I've always been really hopeful about trying to see the spark of close friendship in most of the people I met, and being somewhat disappointed (I know irrationally) when it didn't work out that way. That I no longer have that hope frees up a lot of emotional space to make things right with the people I count as friends before I move 3000 miles away and can't call this city my home. Then again, I guess it'll always be "home", except now I'm making a home out of choice and not inertia, like I did after Mount Holyoke. The past three years that I've spent here have been really important in my personal, professional, social and intellectual growth, but it's time to be repotted, so to speak.

I made a list last spring of things that I wanted to do before I left Portland for Africa. A part of me wants to make a new list, and a part of me is beginning to see Portland through rose-colored glasses already.